A year ago...

Thank you, God. You didn't just help us live through it. You are merciful as we live with it. You are Sovereign. You are God.

We miss you, DCP. I love you, Little and BIL.

TA-DA!

And the three month long project of LOVE (and frustration) results in a fine front door!

Isn't it pretty?? And no cats have been let out by the invisible door gnome since! And the storm door is so nice in the evening. Lets the air in and the cats can stare out the door. Perfecto!

Red oak threshold!

And in case you forgot, here's the before....

After...

SOoooo much better!

Doesn't it look like it belongs on a MUCH bigger house? I have a mansion door ^__^

Building the Front Door

Ahhhh....that stupid old front door. It would take a strongman to open it and then it would open on its own after it's been shut and let the cats out randomly.

So, we FINALLY did something about it! Little did I know the can of "oh darn" I just opened up on my poor handy husband.

Look at this door...

It's a nice door. Ah, yes. Notice the fat white cat on the front steps...the white cat that *was not* supposed to be out. Watch out, Mosh, you'll get eaten by Hector (the huge maine coon down the road)! Back to the door...it looks okay, right? I said, why can't we just replace the door? Oh, and by the way, I want a storm door too. And this is what it turned into...

Started taking down the door frame on the inside...

Then, found out they all connect and if you take one piece down, ya gotta take ALL of it down.

Oh, yay...rotted wood. Explains the creaks and general crookedness of the door...

Me: So, Honey, you think we'll get the door in by tonight?

Me: So...tomorrow?

It took pretty much the entire day (8 hours) to take the door, door frame, and decorative outdoor door frame apart. Then it took about two hours to square the new door frame in and then another hour to put the door in.

We ran into some arguments with basic laws of physics (not "about"...*with*). All sides of door frame were squared. All sides of door frame were leveled. And yet...the very squared door would not fit into squared door frame. We still have no answer for this, but after some grunting and shimming, the @#$%!* door was fitted into the door frame. At the end of the day, too tired to do anything more, this is how my safety conscious husband locked our new front door:

Then, he put the drill down by the door and shouted to the cats, "If you need to get out of the house, HERE'S THE KEY!" Plopped the drill down, and marched with determination to bed...where he promptly curled up and conked out. Poor baby.

And this is what my front yard looked like for about...oh, three months? (Our backyard neighbor, Bob, came out once a week to poke fun at our unfortunate can of worms).

Grand finale of beautiful front door picture to come next post.

Right Now

When the burdens of your life feel so heavy

And the shadows of your past won't let go

And the world around you seems to be so lonely

And you feel that there's no hope

Say Amen

'Cause you cannot bear your cross alone

When you realize you're not on your own

And when all your pride is finally gone

Say Amen

When the only thing you have is faith

You know that every step you take

Is leading you to His embrace.

Oh, when you know you're holding tighter

To His Hand

That's when you can say

Amen.

Now, I've known many trials in my lifetime

And I have heard death knocking at my door

But in my darkest hour of desperation

Oh, I called out to the One who calms the storm

And I say…Amen

'Cause I cannot bear my cross alone

I realize I'm not on my own

And all my pride is finally gone

And I say Amen

when the only thing I have is faith

I know that every step I take

Is leading me to His embrace.

Oh, when I know I'm holding tighter

To His Hand

That's when I can say

Amen.

(Bridge)

So when your heart cries out for love

And when your soul is torn and bruised

Just surrender to the One

Who was broken for you.

Say Amen…Say Amen

Say Amen

When the only thing you have is faith

You know that every step you take

Is leading you to His embrace

Oh, when you know you're holding tighter to His Hand

When you know you're holding tighter to His Hand

That's when you can say…

AMEN.

-- Ginny Owens "Say Amen"

I am tired but I cannot sleep

I am worn but I am restless

I am sick and I am lonely

So much work, but not enough time

So much riding on work, but I hit a wall

Please God...mercy.

Please please Father. Mercy.

Ouch.

That pretty much describes what my body is screaming at me right now. This weekend, we went on Benjamin's first ski trip. Snowshoe (WV) was beautiful, but so windy that it pushed me around on my snowboard...and I ain't light! Kept up with the younguns for the most part. Benj did awesome with the skis....while I managed to fall off and cause a garage sale every time I got off the @#$^ chair lift. Owie. Pictures to come on facebook, I'm sure. Forgot the camera. Boo.

The whole time Benj and I were on the slopes and when we foolishly ran outside into 23F windy weather to jump into a lukewarm hot tub, we were saying to each other, "It would be SO fun to bring Little and BIL here with us!" Party on double black diamond?

For now, though, cell bio, neonatal anatomy, and medical terminology.

War cry: SAVING BABIES!

The Faithful Trudging of the Toy Soldier

And now...I'm going to ramble.

The past few months have been both the best and most difficult time of my life. All these years, I had thought that I knew the true depth of sorrow and heartbreak only to learn that there is more. There is no such thing as "rock bottom". There is always worse; once a nightmare is realized, there is always a new nightmare.

I learned that I can pray as hard as I can, and offer God everything I can think of--Please, Father God, if only You would answer this *one* prayer the way I am asking You to...but no. God is Sovereign, and He will do what He will do. And it is up to His children to accept from Him and thank the Good Lord for what He gives and takes away.

At this past women's retreat, a lovely lady missionary came and spoke about Joseph(-ina, for the weekend), and how his sincere obedience and killer grip on righteousness teaches God's daughters about struggling through temptations, gracious redemption, and God's long term plans. The song going through my head over and over since the Davina Retreat ("Beauty from Ashes") is "Hosanna" from Hillsongs:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from nothing to eternity

Hm, that sounds like my parents....

At the retreat, I had a LOT of repenting to do. I've spent the greater part of the past three years angry and bitter with Christians...specifically happy and perfect Christians. I have been jealous--so very incredibly jealous. How many times did I cry out in anger to God, "How come you answer HER prayers with the happy ending but you won't grant me mine? Why do you love her so much more than you love me?" Why were their prayers answered so quickly? Why were they healed so soon? But not me?

All of the testimonies that I have heard at churches and retreats end with prayers answered (the way they prayed for), miraculous healing or happening of events such that the person is in a wholly better place/job/etc. Every single one of those testimonies infuriated me. What about the testimonies of those whose prayers weren't answered with a happy ending? How did they survive that crisis of faith? Aren't those the testimonies that would most benefit the Church? Aren't those the testimonies that would speak to the congregation?

When God took Darlene into His Arms, He silenced my questions. They became so small in the reality of living without her and watching a family so close to my heart crushed. Lord, I will never forget. I will never forget...any part of this heartbreak. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen was watching my sister and BIL allowing God to envelope them with his love, grace, and mercy and trusting Him completely. While those around them asked,"Why?", they said "We love you, Lord". When I became immobilized with grief for many days, God reminded me of His Love for them and their complete trust in Him. He made me get up.

Just when I think I cried a lifetime of tears, more tears come. Sometimes, I smile at the same time.

(Like now. Watching Daddy and Benj play with trains. The tracks run around the whole house!)

And so, I take off the yoke of anger and bitterness and put on one that is lighter. Pray until the peace comes. Even though I should feel this bright and shiny joy and peace, I don't. I am a toy soldier, not completely meaning to but marching forward with seemingly deliberate steps...trudging through the mud right now. When life gives you mud, make mud pies?

Old, then New

Everyone seems to be recapping 2010. i don't think i can. in fact, i flat out refuse. there is no bright and joyful ending here. not yet. someday. And it's okay, more than okay. we carry on because that's what He says we must do. And so we do. maybe i'll recap 2011 :)